Baby Love

I am the first person to admit that every time I would see a new post on Facebook or find out another friend was expecting I would get a pit in my stomach and feel like I was going to cry...sometimes I did.  A lot of the times I did.  The purpose of this blog is to express feelings, faith, and our journey-sometimes joyful, a lot of the times sad.  I, of all people, want to be completely sensitive to those who have been, are, or will be in my shoes whenever writing this blog.  I want you to know that I am writing this to give all the glory to God for answering our unending prayers and petitions for yet another pregnancy.  This post makes me extremely vulnerable as we are still early in the pregnancy, but I have never shared the good news before we have gotten the bad, so I felt it was time.  So many people have reached out and graciously supported us and stepped up to the plate when it would have been so much easier to just not say anything at all because it was uncomfortable. 

So here is our love story with our baby so far:

August 21st was one day after what would have been Baby Tran #1's first birthday.  As I wrote in a previous blog, that weekend was one of the hardest of my life.  So many would have, should have, could have beens.  I was feeling pretty low.  The next day I found out that we have been blessed with our fourth pregnancy-due on or right around my birthday!  Of course I called the doctor immediately and got an appointment for the next day.  The first thing we did was the HCG test.  I remember my doctor saying "you look really nervous, what's wrong?  Are you worried about the needle or the outcome?"  I could care less about the needle-I was scared to death of the outcome.  I had to repeat the blood test 2 days later to see if my levels were doubling as they should...something that has been our first stumbling block more than once.  On Friday I got the call at work that my levels had more than doubled and the nurse said everyone at the doctor's office were so excited to call me! :)  I broke down into uncontrollable tears in my maintenance supervisor's office and could not seem to pull myself together.  For most women, HCG is not something that is even tested early in pregnancy.  For those who have been in my shoes, you know that that number means the world. 

August 27th I went in to the doctor with horrific back pain...fearing the worst our prayers were answered when I found out it was a kidney infection and possible kidney stone.  Not that I wanted to endure that, but it was so much better than what was going through my head at the time.  A pregnancy-safe prescription and a few days later, I was good to go!  First hurdle down!

August 28th I had our first ultrasound.  The baby was measuring 5 weeks 3 days and a perfect gestastional sac and yolk sac were visible.  My doctor even said it was a slight possibility there were twins, although it was too early to know for sure.  (As it turns out it is a singleton!)  No hemorrages as I had had in the past.  Hurdle number two-huge check!

Morning sickness in full swing, poor Griff has to deal with cravings and mood swings, and I am always sleeping-check, check, and check!

September 11th was our second ultrasound and a crucial one at that.  This has been the time that we have received devasting news over and over, so I was a nervous wreck.  I have been keeping my ultrasound pictures tucked into my Bible right over Psalm 139-"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb".  Over and over yesterday verses came to mind, songs were on the radio, and there was a peace in my soul despite how nervous I was.  On my way to the appointment an old, beat-up work truck passed me on the freeway and I caught a glimpse of the most out of place bumper sticker...Psalm 139.  I smiled for the next several miles because I knew right then and there that God was telling me that everything was perfectly fine.  Got to the appointment and it was time...the moment of truth.  As soon as he started the ultrasound he said "I think you are going to be happy, I am sure am...".  And to Griff he said "you seeing what I'm seeing man?"  (My doctor is the coolest guy on the planet).  I couldn't see the screen laying down, so I had to wait and when he turned the screen the waterworks started.  Oh my did I cry!  Our baby has grown so much, is measuring right on target, and has a heartbeat of 157 beats per minute.  A milestone we have never reached was to hear the heartbeat.  I have often heard other women's ultrasounds going on in the exam rooms next to mine and heard their baby's heart, but never my own.  If that is not the most wonderful sound on the planet, I don't know what is!  Got our pictures printed out and couldn't stop staring at them.  While I finishing up Griff left the room and I have to admit I am a little giddy over what he told me when I came out.  All the nurses were hugging us and telling us how happy they were for us because they have been with us every step of the way.  They even told Griff we are their favorites...sorry...had to throw that out there.  :) A baby loss mama has a unique relationship with her OB office that is hard to explain, but God gave us those people for a very specific reason!

October 2nd-next ultrasound.

So as you can see God has directed every single step.  Every milestone has been met right on track.  New milestones are taking place.  He is beginning a good work and I have faith that He will see it to completion.  This is the beginning of a beautiful love story and I am so excited to meet this baby that He has made me wait so patiently for! 



               "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him".
                                                                      ~1 Samuel 1:27~



A Heavenly First Birthday!

Invitations, balloons, gifts, cake, and family.  That is how I pictured this weekend when I first found out I was pregnant with my first baby back in December of 2010.  August 20, 2011 was my due date for my first baby.  This weekend would have been his or her's first birthday! 

This week has been especially hard for me. I cannot seem to get my mind away from the very first ultrasound I ever had and saw our baby's heart beating so strongly.  I remember holding onto Griff's hand and smiling bigger than I had ever smiled in amazement of this beautiful and precious child that had been given to us.  I had fallen in love instantly!!!!!!!  Those ultrasound pictures are now locked away in our safe for eternal protection as they are my most precious memories of my first pregnancy.  Never did I think when I watched my baby on that screen that what was about to happen over the next 12 months would unfold as it did. 

Since then there have been a lot of days, should have been milestones, that have been hard.  But I think this weekend is one of the hardest.  I have now endured three "should have been" due dates.  Three "should have been" appointments to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  Three "should have been" lots of things.  But this is the first "should have been" first birthday.

My children have been taken to heaven as they were three babies too perfect for this earth.  And as much as I wish I were celebrating with my son or daughter today, I can't help but know that their first birthday in heaven is quite beyond my imagination, and that makes my heart happy!! :)

Happy Birthday to my baby...you are the most beloved memory of my life!

Dive Deep



Grand Turk Island is undoubtedly beautiful.  White sand beaches, clear turquoise water, refreshing trade winds.  All the makings for an amazing day at the beach.  While on our cruise, Griff and I got the amazing opportunity to power snorkel in Grand Turk.  It was our first port of call so we anxiously grabbed our sunscreen, towels, and water proof camera and disembarked the ship.  After a short drive to the beach we were greeted by stunning scenary.

I have always wanted to snorkel but I will admit I began to get a little nervous after reading several reviews that stated the baracuda are a little too friendly.  I have always been freaked out by what swims with me in the ocean and have a fairly strict rule for myself that I do not swim unless I can see my feet...that pretty much limits me to the Caribbean.  However, I decided to cross off an item from my bucket list and go for it.  We grabbed our fins, snorkel masks, life vests, and camera and headed out on the boat.  After a short ride in seemingly calm water we were told to jump in and test out the power snorkeling machines.  Now I am no Missy Franklin but I can hold my own in the water and am a fairly decent swimmer, so I chose not to inflate my life vest very much because I wanted to be able to dive under just a little to get the full experience.  So I jumped in and then the real adventure began!

That seemingly calm water that I mentioned earlier...completely different story when you are in the water.  That crystal clear turquoise water sure can get rough.  As soon as I jumped in I felt like I had never swam before.  The waves were crashing into me, filling my snorkel with sea water, and I felt like I had been swimming for days, not less than 5 minutes.  I eventually managed to find my groove with the power snorkel and even though I drank more than my fair share of sea water, I started to manuever my way through the other snorkelers and saw things that will last in my memory for a lifetime.  I swam with a baracuda literally a foot away from me.  I saw a stingray just chilling on the bottom of the ocean.  I saw unbelieveably beautiful coral reefs filled with curious colorful fish.  And most amazing of all I saw a 7,000 foot dropoff into the black abyss.  (I might as well have a seen a shark, I swam away from that cliff so fast!!!)

I took away a little lesson from this snorkeling adventure.  Perhaps what we see on the surface is not always all that is out there.  Maybe what seems beautiful on the surface is actually not what is best for us.  Could it be that we need to dive deeper and swim into the unknown sometimes to fully see what is meant for us to see?  I think so!   That turquoise water sure was beautiful on the surface and to be honest I was scared to dive into the unknown.  Little did I know that I would feel more calm and more at ease under the surface of the water swimming with the baracuda and stingray than I did on top.  Under the water the sea was completely calm and I felt like I was in a different universe.  The rough seas on top did not affect me down below.  The same is true in our everyday lives.  I think sometimes we get so caught up in what we can see and assume that is what must be best for us.  "It looks beautiful, so it must be right."   That is not always the case though.  Sometimes we need to set aside our fears, jump in, pull on our snorkel masks, and dive deep to see what we didn't even know existed. 

Hebrews 11:1-Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Life's Painful Moments That Teach Us The Most

Ever feel like the life has literally been sucked out of you?  You have given all you have and it is just never enough?  Maybe you have personal goals that you are working towards and someone makes a comment that just destroys that?  A comment is made that completely crushes your spirit?

An extremely hurtful comment was made to me yesterday that completely caught me off guard and almost instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I fought back the tears at the time but have been dwelling on this very personal comment that was directed at my appearance ever since.  After having time to think about it, I have come to realize that I have two choices.  I can stay angry about it, be bitter towards that person, and feel sorry for myself OR I can learn a lesson from this.  After having a good cry at home about it I have decided on option #2. 

Nothing good is going to come of me dwelling on this comment and getting angry at the person who said it.  Instead it is reminding me to always be mindful of your words.  Think twice before you speak.  You can never take back your words.  Believe me there have been times I wish that I could go back in time and totally change what has come out of my mouth.  Words can be so hurtful whether they are true or not.  No one can fully understand what another person may be battling in their personal life.  Knowing that so many people have hard situations they are facing and difficult lives they are leading, why would we not want to say something kind and uplifting?  That one kind comment could totally change someone's day for the better and mean more than you will ever know.

Aside from this comment that was made to me yesterday, I have been allowing myself to get very upset everytime someone asks if I have kids yet and then when I politely tell them that I do not they go on to start complaining about how I should never have kids and how kids are such a burden and so hard to deal with.  Honestly, you would not believe how often this conversation has come up with me in the last several months.   I know that these people have no idea about my situation and how I would give my left arm to have a child, but if people would just think that maybe the other person might not appreciate that comment, so much unnecessary hurt could be avoided. 

So I am learning that some of life's most painful moments can also be life's best lessons.  Harsh reminders that maybe we need to examine our own lives and see what hurt we could be causing others by not even realizing it.

 I challenge you to always think twice before you speak as your words can be the best or worst part of someone's day.

Luke 6:45-For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

What Could Have Been

I am watching FRIENDS and thinking how much the theme song describes my life.  "So no one told you life was gonna be this way...but when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, well I'll be there for you..."

Today was my due date for Baby Tran #3.  With several friends having babies in the last few weeks, days, and in the coming days, today was hard!  I knew that it would be, but whew...tough!  Thankfully work was busy, Bachelorette hometowns were tonight :), and vacation is next week.  All things to help take the focus away from what could have been today.

It hasn't been my day, week, month, or year, but I am so thankful for all MY friends, family and especially my amazing husband who have been there for me.  I am incredibly grateful for each of you and am so lucky to have you in my life. 

Short and sweet tonight, but no less important than any other post I have written.  Baby Tran #3...we love you so much think of what you would have been like each and every day.  Your dad and I wanted and desired you more than life itself and were thankful for the very short time you were physically in our lives...you will always be in our hearts and nothing will ever change that.
Focusing today on this:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.



Blessings in Disguise

One of my favorite quotes is from Oscar Wilde. "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise".  What a perfect tagline for the last year and a half of my life.

Every single day I wonder why it was my life's plan to lose 3 children before I turned 25.  What good could possibly come of this?  What am I supposed to be learning?  Why me?  Why Griff? 

I know I have written this several times, but I really don't think I will ever really know the full purpose of these trials in this life.  But, each day I feel like I am getting closer to coming to terms with the plan drawn out for me and I am able to open my heart to what good can come of this.

For those who may not know, Griff has not worked at the Biltmore since my birthday on April 16th.  Also, after finding out I had an infection it took several rounds of medication to come back with a negative result.  Had these things been thrown at me a year or two ago, I think I would have been at my breaking point.  Today though, I am thankful for these blessings in disguise.

I truly believe that God is telling me that my body and mind are not ready to try again yet.  My heart is longing for a baby and is telling me to go for it.  My mind is being more practical and telling me to listen to the quiet whispers of the Lord telling me to slow down and be patient.  Enjoy what I have and don't always rush.  With this time Griff has had off work we have been able to spend so many weekends together and really focus on our relationship.  We were getting in such a rut of rushing off to work and being tired and grumpy when we came home that we were neglecting what was most important-spending quality time together.  Had my body healed right away from the third miscarriage and from that infection, we may have rushed into a situation that my body and mind were not ready for.

This time has given me a chance to really reflect on the last year and see how I have grown.  A year ago I couldn't bear to walk through the baby section in a store, watch any show that had babies, talk about pregnancy, the list goes on and on.  I still have my days for sure, but I feel myself healing and once again entertaining the thoughts of what it will be like when we have a child with joy rather than fear of history repeating itself yet again.


So maybe you are experiencing trial after trial, bad day after bad day, disappointment after disappointment.  Maybe, just maybe, if you look really hard and adjust your focus you will come to the same realization I have...these hard times are really just blessings in disguise...you just have to open your heart!

Thriving in the Eye of the Storm

Everyone has heard the phrase "in the eye of the storm".  I found this description online about the eye of a hurricane: "At the center of a fierce tropical storm, there is a small area where the weather is calm, the sky is clear, and the winds are just light breezes. This area is called the eye of the storm."  How perfect is this description of where I am in my life right now?!

The last year of my life has been a fierce tropical storm.  I have been battling it day in and day out.  For those who have been following my blog, you know that I have been battling depression and real, true, bonifide sadness. In my last post I mentioned that I have chosen to be happy. It is not something that has naturally come to me in the last year...I have had to really, really work for it. And it has not been easy. Each day I am coming to the realization that it is a choice to live every day with meaning and purpose.  Tonight as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have found true happiness.  And it feels so liberating.  I have found the eye of the storm!  The winds have slowed, the weather is calm, and the skies are bright! 

I read a great excerpt from my devotional yesterday, Streams in the Desert, in reference to
Psalm 138:7-"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life".  L.B. Cowman writes "Although His answer seems so long in coming and we continue to 'walk in the midst of trouble' the center of trouble is the place where He preserves us, not the place where He fails us". 

The answer I have been longing for has still not been revealed to me.  Why are my pregnancies failing?  Why has God chosen this journey for Griff and I?  Why is it not in my best interest to be a mother right now when I want it so bad?  I am continuing to walk in the midst of trouble.  BUT...more so than ever I have a peace.  Hard to explain and difficult to understand, I feel like I have been thrown a life preserver and am not longer sinking in the storm, but gently floating through it. 

God has definitely got my attention.  I know that this path was given to me for a specific reason, if only to bring me to the realization that He will never fail us.  No matter how rough the seas are, how high the waves are, or how much rain is falling, He is faithful.  He will preserve us.  He is our Sustainer.  Cling to Him and you can ride through any of life's fierce storms. 

Even though it has taken me so long to get to this point, I am thriving more than ever in the eye of this storm and there is no place I would rather be!