Life As I Know It

Life As I Know It

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Since When Did I Become An Open Book?!

I have always been a very private person.  I was never that girl to have sleepovers and expose my inner most thoughts, latest crush, or new obsession.  If I attended a sleepover, which I tried to avoid at all costs, I would sit quietly by and listen, but never share my opinions and thoughts.  Maybe it was lack of confidence, maybe it was shyness, but whatever it was I was quiet. 

This last year has turned my life upside down, right-side up, and then upside down again.  In the midst of all this, I have decided that my experiences, thoughts, emotions, and feelings may be worth sharing.  And so this blog was born. 

In light of me finally becoming confident and bold enough to share my inner most thoughts and deepest emotions and feelings, I have faced a lot of insecurities at the same time.  People become very uncomfortable talking about pregnancy loss and miscarriage.  Unfortunately my life has been encompassed with that this year and so I am no longer afraid to speak out and share my thoughts.

I think one of the hardest parts of this year for me has been feeling as though I need to be ashamed and embarrassed about what has happenned.  Society treats miscarriage as such a taboo subject that it is hard to break through that barrier.  A year ago I never would have been comfortable talking about my life in the way I do now.  I suppose 30+ trips (I peeked at my chart and appointment history) to the OB/GYN in less than one year will do that to a person. :) 

A year later, and currently going through my third miscarriage, I am an open book.  I think it has been so healthy for me to discuss my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  I cannot always pretend that everything is going great and wonderful...there are days when someone asks "How are you" that they get the real answer.  So beware if you bump into me out and about...maybe skip that question!!! ;)  But I am learning that it is ok to be honest with yourself and others.  Why else were we given the friends we were given if we cannot share with them during our best times and our worst times.

I am so thankful for my closest friends and family, as well as complete strangers who have found this blog.  They have been such an encouragement to myself and Griff.  Sometimes there are no words that will make any difference.  I have heard them all..."you're time will come", "you're young", "someday you will have your family", etc.  Truth one knows that.  No one can say with any certainty what my future holds.  The Lord alone holds this is His hands.  And so sometimes it is just knowing that your friends are lifting you up in prayer, calling to see how you are doing, and when they say they are thinking of you...they truly mean it.  I appreciate each and every one of you who has loved me when I am most unloveable.  When you put aside your busy lives and schedules to just listen to me.  To let me do all the talking and maybe even make you a little uncomfortable.  Those times will never be forgotten. 

As much as I never used to be one to share many of my thoughts, I used to think it so unoriginal when people would post song lyrics and say this is what I am feeling.  Totally different thoughts about this now.  The Lord has been speaking to me through so many songs recently as I am running out of words to say and prayers to pray.   I feel like I have exhausted all my options and still come up with the same results...broken and defeated.  But, this to shall pass and I will hopefully one day be shown the reason for all our suffering and tears.  So here is the song I can so closely identify with right now...