For the last several months I have been reading a lot of blogs and posts that others have done and have finally decided this is an important step for me to take. I am not much of a journal writer or one to express myself through writing very often, but I have decided to give it a shot.
Here is our story...
December 18, 2010 I woke up with a "feeling". I was excited, nervous, and anxious. And then in a few short moments (which actually felt like an eternity) it was confirmed...I was PREGNANT! Griff was at work and my parents at home thousands of miles away. I often thought about the day that I would find out and how would I tell my parents and Griff. I called my mom and the tears started flowing! I distinctly remember her saying "my baby is having a baby"...it was a mother-daughter moment I will always cherish even though we were states apart. With it being just days before Christmas I decided to tell Griff I wanted to give him one of his gifts early. When he got home from work I handed him a gift-wrapped box with an "I love daddy" bib inside. The look on his face was one I will not forget. It was one of our most special moments we have shared together.
In the next few days I had made a doctor's appointment and was counting the days until my first ultrasound. January 5th I was beyond blessed to have the opportunity to hold onto my husband's hand and watch our baby's tiny heart beat strongly on the monitor. It was a priceless memory that will never be forgotten. (tears are flowing as I type this remembering it) We left the doctor's office with our pictures in hand and stared at them all day!
January 25th I had my second ultrasound to hear the baby's heartbeat. As the ultrasound was being preformed it was clear something was wrong. Mother's intuition. Our baby had grown considerably, however I was at approximately 10 weeks and found out the baby had stopped growing at about 8 1/2 weeks. Prior to this day there were no signs of problems, no physical signs, no indicators. Stunned, shocked, devasted, and heartbroken are only a few of the words to describe this feeling.
The doctor that I had been seeing was absolutely cruel in the way that he told us what had happenned. Insensitive would be a kind way to put it. He simply said "well see that black spot...that is the baby's heart and it is definitely not beating. Sorry you had a miscarriage. Tears are normal but at least you were early on and not too attached". A couple just finished hearing the worst sentence parents can hear and that is your response? He wanted to immediately rush me into surgery as "his child had a fieldtrip that weekend". I refused to see him any longer and Griff had a few words with him. ;)
Knowing that I needed to find another doctor immediately I called around several places. Upset, not thinking straight, and distraught place after place let me know that I could see a nurse practictioner or wait approximately 2 weeks to see a doctor. Frustrated beyond words I called one last place and simply said "I need a doctor who will sit down and give me their undivided attention and have compassion on a couple who just found out they lost their baby...do you have one available today?" I was told that if I could be there in 2 hours they had just the person I needed to see. From the moment I stepped into that office I began bawling. The front desk receptionist started crying with me because she just understood...something no one else had that day. I was then blessed beyond words to meet my new doctor. This man was put in my life for a very special reason and Griff and I are forever grateful for him. He sat and talked to us for a long time, explained all our options, let us know that he understood exactly what we were feeling (his wife had just gone through 2 miscarriages), and he just GOT us. He was beyond compassionate, understanding, and took so much of his time for a patient he had just met.
The next week was filled with a roller coaster ride of emotions, great physical pain, and spiritual emotions I had never experienced in such a way. Griff and I secluded ourselves from the world for the next week and spent time sitting at parks, taking walks, reflecting on the situation, praying, and most of all crying. I have never been such an emotional trainwreck.
Because it was a missed miscarriage meaning my body did not recognize I had lost the baby we had a tough decision to make...surgery or no surgery. We chose no surgery. Emotionally exhausting and physically the greatest pain I have ever experienced I have been asked so many times if I could do it differently would I? My answer is always "no". As hard as that decision was I know that was my way of saying goodbye in the way that Griff and I needed.
The months that followed proved difficult physically. After all that we went through that last week of January it was determined I would still need to end up having the surgery because of retained tissue. Heartbreaking to say the least. After weeks of starting the grieving process all the emotions started to flood back. Physically the surgery was no big deal, emotionally it was crushing.
In the months and weeks that followed I have struggled every single day. Seeing friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers in Target pregnant or with infants was just about enough to put me over the edge. I have had my breakdowns where I simply scream "it's not fair", sit and cry for literally hours, or just walk aimlessly for hours around my neighborhood. Griff and I handle stress and loss in a VERY different way. It is not a bad thing, just something that we have learned through this process. He internalizes and I HAVE to talk about it. It will eat me alive if I don't. He may not always understand why I spontaneously burst into tears or snap at him (which I hate doing) but he has been there every single time that I have one of my moments. I have called him at work, woken him up in the middle of the night, and called him from my car just sobbing. His love for me in this has been incredible. We have grown so much as a couple. When you say those vows "in sickness and in health, in happiness and in sorrow" it is not on your mind that you may actually have to live that out...we have lived it and we have triumped over the tears and we have conquered the sorrows TOGETHER.
More than anything I have grown in my faith more than I could have ever imagined. I experienced a real spiritual low in the days that followed January 25th. How could God do this to me? Why would he give me a glimpse of the miracle inside me and then take it away? What did I do to deserve this? I finally snapped out it one day and was reminded that "He will not take you where He cannot sustain you". I will not be given more than I can handle. Each day I continue to grow closer and closer to the relationship that I desire so much and that means so much more than anything else. It is not always easy but it is essential. I may never know why our child was taken away from us, but I can have rest knowing that it was for a purpose and reason greater and stronger than anything I know. My precious child is not in my arms, but is in the arms of the One who created us and knit us together in the womb and there is nothing more beautiful than that. And, I have faith that in the future Griff and I will be blessed with a healthy baby who we will get to nurture and love here on this earth.
So to anyone reading this who is need of encouragement, there is hope. When you feel you are at your lowest point (I have been there) there is hope in Lord. He is the only One who can see you through. Run to Him, He is waiting with open arms.