One of my favorite quotes is from Oscar Wilde. "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise". What a perfect tagline for the last year and a half of my life.
Every single day I wonder why it was my life's plan to lose 3 children before I turned 25. What good could possibly come of this? What am I supposed to be learning? Why me? Why Griff?
I know I have written this several times, but I really don't think I will ever really know the full purpose of these trials in this life. But, each day I feel like I am getting closer to coming to terms with the plan drawn out for me and I am able to open my heart to what good can come of this.
For those who may not know, Griff has not worked at the Biltmore since my birthday on April 16th. Also, after finding out I had an infection it took several rounds of medication to come back with a negative result. Had these things been thrown at me a year or two ago, I think I would have been at my breaking point. Today though, I am thankful for these blessings in disguise.
I truly believe that God is telling me that my body and mind are not ready to try again yet. My heart is longing for a baby and is telling me to go for it. My mind is being more practical and telling me to listen to the quiet whispers of the Lord telling me to slow down and be patient. Enjoy what I have and don't always rush. With this time Griff has had off work we have been able to spend so many weekends together and really focus on our relationship. We were getting in such a rut of rushing off to work and being tired and grumpy when we came home that we were neglecting what was most important-spending quality time together. Had my body healed right away from the third miscarriage and from that infection, we may have rushed into a situation that my body and mind were not ready for.
This time has given me a chance to really reflect on the last year and see how I have grown. A year ago I couldn't bear to walk through the baby section in a store, watch any show that had babies, talk about pregnancy, the list goes on and on. I still have my days for sure, but I feel myself healing and once again entertaining the thoughts of what it will be like when we have a child with joy rather than fear of history repeating itself yet again.
So maybe you are experiencing trial after trial, bad day after bad day, disappointment after disappointment. Maybe, just maybe, if you look really hard and adjust your focus you will come to the same realization I have...these hard times are really just blessings in disguise...you just have to open your heart!