For the third time Griff and I found out that I was pregnant. Confirmed at the doctor's office I was so happy and overwhelmed with the emotions of fear and anxiety that I completely broke down in the lab after they told me it was positive. Apparently I was so upset that the nurses just kept asking "this is a good thing, right"?! Little do they know how much I desire a child that this was a future mother's reaction to another hopeful moment that my day of happiness was in my sights. They went and found my doctor who came in and gave me a hug, not even having to ask why I was crying. He just knew.
I was put on medication from the start and started the bloodwork. After we saw that the levels were rising, albeit slowly, I was sent for an early ultrasound. What I was told after the first ultrasound crushed me. The technician told me that I was only measuring 4.5 weeks and I knew that I should be at least 6-7.
Then began the vicious waiting game. My doctor totally understands me and my mindset and knew that ultrasounds cause me extreme stress given my past history. He suggested one more a week later to look for growth. There was none. My heart sank as our dream vanished in an instant yet again.
How in the world could this be happenning? What have I done to deserve this? Why would any one person be given this much heartache over a span of 11 months? All my anger and hurt that I had after my first miscarriage came flooding back at an alarming rate. I had to choose how to handle this one and it had to be different.
I have chosen to keep one thing at the forefront of my mind this time. I will not be given more than I can handle. I will not be taken where I cannot be sustained. This path was laid before me for a specific reason and a very specific purpose. I am on my way to finding where that path is leading me, but for now all I can do is have faith that I am moving toward that goal. Don't get me wrong...that does not make this loss any easier to bear and any easier to cope. Griff and I have spent our time crying, screaming out in anger, and sitting in silence because there are no words to even begin to describe our hurt. I am finding that the grieving process of losing a child is endless.
When I started writing this blog about 25 minutes ago I had an idea of the direction I wanted it to take. Now, I am just tearing up listening to a song that I will post below. This is a beautiful song that pretty much sums up my feelings in a way much better than I can write right now.
I Will Lift My Eyes-Bebo Norman
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now