I Choose To Be Happy For It Is Good For My Health

I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I will admit over the last year or so I have given in to the feeling.  It used to be if someone asked "how are you" they always got the standard "Good!  How are you?".  Now...they get the real answer.  I have had some really dark days and real low points-still do.
I never used to take a day off work even if I was feeling deathly ill, now there are days I physically cannot go to work.  I never used to go a day without leaving the house, and now there have been many days I don't even leave my bed.  I used to be a jeans and cute top girl.  Unfortunately for Griff that turned into comfy pants and t-shirt.  I never took medicine on a daily basis.  Now, I am on a regiman of prescriptions, including an anti-depressant.  (Note:  Read back a few blogs if you are wondering who is this girl???...I have learned the best way to grieve is to be completely honest.  I am unashamed of my situation.  I did not do this to myself, it was the path laid out for me and I feel led to share it.)  My life has done a complete 360 since January 25, 2011 and I learn more about this journey each day.

When you are faced with multiple miscarriages, the first thing everyone asks is "have the doctors given you any answers?".  One would think after the number of doctor appointments I have had we would have every answer and complete understanding, right?  Absolutely not.  That is one of the hardest parts about this whole thing...we really have no answers.  Insurance companies will not pay for genetic testing until you have 3 recurrent miscarriages.  I have had 3.  The problem we are running into is that my second pregnancy ended so quickly after it started it was considered a chemical pregnancy and so "that doesn't count" to medical professionals.  To Griff and I that was our child, conceived out of love, and desired beyond words.  I will forever be an advocate for life begins at conception and my child's life was lost shortly thereafter.  My point is that we have had a few speculations of what may or may not have contributed to my miscarriages...genetic anomalies, poor implanation, and subchoronic hemorrages.  All just possible explanations.  Essentially I was given a clean bill of health and told that there was about a 99% chance it was genetic material that did not align properly and could not support the baby's growth. In medical terms-spontaneous abortion.  Those words are not allowed to be uttered in my house...I certainly did not abort my child.   My doctor suggested one thing that we could test for without involving insurance.  I agreed to the simple test and found out about a week later that I tested positive for a rare bacteria that could have been a contributing factor in each miscarriage.  Now, I am not taking this as gospel that I am cured and have all my answers, basically I was just beyond excited to have some sort of an answer.  As absolutely ludicrous as it may sound to be excited to find out you have a rare infection I was ecstatic.  I was put on an antibiotic I quickly dubbed my "demon pill" as it made me completely and totally sick 2x a day for a week. 

Finding out that I had this infection helped me in ways that are hard to put into words.  After months and months of crying, praying, researching, and wondering to have an answer of some sort was so refreshing.  A simple antibiotic has given me such a hope for the future.  Griff and I have been so hesistant to try again.  We have decided we will be waiting awhile to even think about trying again.  But to know that there was a medical condition that could have been causing my miscarriages is such a blessing in disguise.  Of course my next pregnancy, if I am blessed to have another, may again end in sadness.  I am fully aware of that. Today, though, I am choosing to focus solely on Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Prayers are answered everyday and I am learning that part of life is riding out the storm until you can start to see how the pieces of the puzzle are going to fall together.   So I have decided to take each day as it comes and enjoy the little things in life.  Walks with Griff after work, going to a movie, trying a new restaurant, or enjoying a sunset.  I had lunch today with a friend I have not seen since high school and left feeling so refreshed, went to Jo-Ann fabrics with my mom and picked up a few crafty items to attempt to recreate what I have seen on Pinterest, and we booked a family trip to Vegas for our birthdays!  These things may have seemed so petty to me a few years ago when my life was bliss everyday.  Once that is stripped from you and you live through such a hard time it is so good to have those feelings back and I am simply happy...something I haven't had in a really long time!

 God is faithful and just.  "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Just when I did not have the strength to keep going at this pace the Lord answered my prayers and renewed my strength!  So thankful!



While You Were Sleeping

Millions of people are asleep in their beds at this very moment dreaming.  I am dreaming too...unfortunately I am just wide awake. 

Tonight I am dreaming of my unborn children.  For anyone who has lost a child they know that some days are harder than others.  Some hold more significance than others.  Some days you just can't seem to stop thinking about your child.  Tonight I was laying in bed unable to sleep because thoughts of where I "should" be in my life were overtaking my mind.  If someone had told me a few years back I would have a public blog about my pregnancy losses and trials, I would have said they were dreaming.  A)  The thought never crossed my naive mind that this is the road I would traveling at this point in my life.  B)  I never would have imagined I would share something so incredibly personal with the world wide web.  But here I sit tonight writing my every thought about my shattered dreams.

I was dreaming tonight about the day I would have found out if we were having a boy or a girl, the day I would go into labor, the day I would hold my child for the first time, the days of laughing at their every move, changing diapers, 2am feedings (obviously this won't be a problem as I am awake now anyway), telling Griff not to forget the diaper bag, pulling the stroller out of the back of the SUV, and pictures...oh the pictures.  Had everything gone my way the first time, I should have a 7 month old sleeping in the next room right now.  The second time-I should be 7 months pregnant.  And the third...well I should be about 20 weeks and feeling the baby kick inside me. 

Instead...I sit here contemplating canceling my dr. appointment tomorrow as I am feeling terribly embarrassed about walking through those doors again...seriously...40+ appointments in a year and a few months...borderline ridiculous.  I am also dreaming tonight of health.  I have been struggling with my health for several months.  Maybe on the outside it doesn't appear as though anything is wrong, but on the inside I am hurting, tired, and just plain worn out.  Medication after medication, diagnosis after diagnosis, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork, and most awful of all...ultrasound after extruiciating ultrasound.  I can't bear to see the inside of my empty uterus too many more times.  I just have to keep telling myself that I am not ready to try again and God knows this...He is protecting and saving us from more hurt.  And teaching us some patience along the way. :) 

Finally, tonight I am dreaming of what my children are doing right this instant.  If I am certain of anything in this uncertain world, it is this, that my three children are in such a far better place than here on this earth.  As painful as that is to type, I know that they are healthy, strong, and happy in heaven with their Maker.  I was given them for just a glimpse of time, but they are where they were made to be for eternity.  They are perfect. 

And that is what I will be dreaming about tonight.