While You Were Sleeping

Millions of people are asleep in their beds at this very moment dreaming.  I am dreaming too...unfortunately I am just wide awake. 

Tonight I am dreaming of my unborn children.  For anyone who has lost a child they know that some days are harder than others.  Some hold more significance than others.  Some days you just can't seem to stop thinking about your child.  Tonight I was laying in bed unable to sleep because thoughts of where I "should" be in my life were overtaking my mind.  If someone had told me a few years back I would have a public blog about my pregnancy losses and trials, I would have said they were dreaming.  A)  The thought never crossed my naive mind that this is the road I would traveling at this point in my life.  B)  I never would have imagined I would share something so incredibly personal with the world wide web.  But here I sit tonight writing my every thought about my shattered dreams.

I was dreaming tonight about the day I would have found out if we were having a boy or a girl, the day I would go into labor, the day I would hold my child for the first time, the days of laughing at their every move, changing diapers, 2am feedings (obviously this won't be a problem as I am awake now anyway), telling Griff not to forget the diaper bag, pulling the stroller out of the back of the SUV, and pictures...oh the pictures.  Had everything gone my way the first time, I should have a 7 month old sleeping in the next room right now.  The second time-I should be 7 months pregnant.  And the third...well I should be about 20 weeks and feeling the baby kick inside me. 

Instead...I sit here contemplating canceling my dr. appointment tomorrow as I am feeling terribly embarrassed about walking through those doors again...seriously...40+ appointments in a year and a few months...borderline ridiculous.  I am also dreaming tonight of health.  I have been struggling with my health for several months.  Maybe on the outside it doesn't appear as though anything is wrong, but on the inside I am hurting, tired, and just plain worn out.  Medication after medication, diagnosis after diagnosis, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork, and most awful of all...ultrasound after extruiciating ultrasound.  I can't bear to see the inside of my empty uterus too many more times.  I just have to keep telling myself that I am not ready to try again and God knows this...He is protecting and saving us from more hurt.  And teaching us some patience along the way. :) 

Finally, tonight I am dreaming of what my children are doing right this instant.  If I am certain of anything in this uncertain world, it is this, that my three children are in such a far better place than here on this earth.  As painful as that is to type, I know that they are healthy, strong, and happy in heaven with their Maker.  I was given them for just a glimpse of time, but they are where they were made to be for eternity.  They are perfect. 

And that is what I will be dreaming about tonight.