Our Miracle

Baby T is a baby GIRL!!!!  We found out last week that this little life inside of me is growing, maturing, and is very active!  I do not want to forget anything about this pregnancy, so keeping track of everything is so important to me...

I felt my first flutters of movement on November 4th and she is has been a mover ever since!  To see her wiggling and kicking on the ultrasound is beyond amazing.  I can't feel all her movements yet, so to watch her is such a special moment.  Seeing your baby growing at this stage of life is incredible.  For those who know me, I love Little House on the Prairie...how did the women back then go 9 months knowing nothing about their baby.  In some ways I guess it would be an exciting surprise, but I don't like surprises...I'm an "I want all the details, right now" girl! :)  Our little one seems to like out of the ordinary positions in her little home.  At our ultrasound a few weeks ago she was sitting straight up and down, last week she was upside down!  Whatever floats her boat!  This last scan was an anatomy scan, so once again we got to see everything:  face, brain, heart, liver, kidneys, spine, arms, legs, feet, hands, umbilical cord, and placenta.  Her bones are developing so much now, we could see each bone of her spine.  I saw her little foot push up against my belly and got a view of all the tiny bones.  She apparantely likes to lay with her arm up by her head (her mom likes to do that too).  We saw her 4 chamber heart beating perfectly.  We saw the two hemispheres of her brain.  We saw the umblicial cord light up with the blood running through it.  I could go on and on, but all that is to say I have a true miracle growing inside me.  She is growing right on track and is so healthy. 

God has taken Griff and I down a bumpy road to get here, but let me tell you looking back now I have learned so much and can see how he was preparing me for this pregnancy and to be a mom in April.  Griff and I are so thankful to each of you who have prayed for this little girl.  She is going to be so loved by so many people! 

I guess the best things in life are truly worth the wait.



Best Day of My Life...Until Now!

I have often wondered when I look back on my life, will one day stand out in my memory as the "best day of my life"?  I always imagined the day I got engaged, the day I got married, etc. would be contendors and of course they were all amazing.  It seems though as life goes on the meaning of the "best day of my life" keeps changing.

I know without a doubt, 100% certainty, that October 24, 2012 will go on my calendar as of now as the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!  I woke up anxious and nervous for our ultrasound.  We have never gotten this far in a pregnancy but after looking at so many ultrasound pictures online I had a pretty good idea of what we should be seeing.  As soon as the ultrasound started I saw the most amazing BABY growing inside of me.  Up until this point we have seen what look like blobs, flickers, and unfortunately sometimes emptiness.  This time we saw a baby forming and growing and moving!  He or she was sitting upright and had their very long legs crossed!  After 2 techs and a doctor all gave it a shot to have that shy little munchkin move into a better position, we still don't know if we will be buying pink or blue.  But that's fine with me...all I care about is that we left hearing the most incredible words..."although stubborn, you have a very healthy baby!"  Nothing better!

Being a first time mom, I do not want to forget anything about this pregnancy and no better place to keep our love story than on here!  When the ultrasound started I will admit I had a brief moment of shear panic when I saw the baby had grown, but was not moving.  Griff saw the heartbeat before I did, but I told the tech I really needed to know what the heartrate was.  They laughed and said not to worry...little munchkin was just sleeping.  Healthy heartrate of 158!  All of a sudden the little guy or girl did what looked like a reverse mule kick and was up and moving!  That little back arched, those long legs stretched out, and the hands started rubbing their eyes.  Cutest thing I have ever seen!   We even got a little wave! :)  Due to the nature of the ultrasound we got to watch our little one on the screen for about an hour...most amazing hour of my life...truly!  We saw the spine, the brain, the eyes, nose, ears, mouth, hands, feet, arms, legs, big ol' belly, kidneys, carotid artery, heart, and cutest little profile!

Part of the appointment also included bloodwork.  I had this appointment for genetic testing purposes.  As devastating as it would be, a genetic problem would not change our love for this child in the least.  The reason we chose to have this testing done was for other reasons-in conjuction with genetic testing they also looked at my placenta and can determine if there are any risk factors for my body down the road as we get closer to delivery.  As I was typing this I got the call with my test results.  PERFECT!   Our chances of genetic issues are in the 1:10,000 range and my bloodwork came back great!  All signs pointing to a very healthy baby and mom! 

It is hard to believe, but my love for this baby keeps growing everyday.  Just when I think I can't love him or her anymore, I do.  I was such a proud mama on Wednesday I can't even explain.  But more so than anything, I am so thankful.  I was just laying on the table during the ultrasound saying "Thank you Lord over and over and over and over".  He has blessed us beyond measure.  He has directed every step of this pregnancy and answered every prayer.  Although He brought us down a rough and bumpy road to get to this point, this child is so beyond worth it. 

We would ask that you will continue to pray with us that this baby grows and matures exactly on track and that in just a few months we will be holding this most precious gift in our arms. 

 

**Disclaimer...this is not our baby's ultrasound...Griff and I have decided to keep that private!**

 

 

 

4th Try Getting to the 2nd Tri...

I am so thankful to be writing this post tonight.  I am in awe of the miracle that is taking place inside of me more and more everyday.  Each week Griff and I read our What to Expect book and the app on my phone just be more astounded than the week before.  This week our baby's organs are formed and starting to mature, he or she can swallow, and can kick up a storm...even though I will have to wait a few more weeks to feel it.  Keeping in mind that Baby T is only about the size of my pinky that is absolutely mind-blowing.

We have experienced so many firsts with this pregnancy.  Everyday is such a blessing.  On October 5th we had a regular check-up and as the nurse was walking out she said "oh my, I forgot I have to listen to the baby's heart too, not just yours anymore."  I was not expecting to be able to hear the heartbeat on a Doppler just yet as we had only heard it during an ultrasound.  She asked me if I normally carry low so that she could more easily pinpoint where to put the Doppler and I simply said "I don't know...we have never gotten this far before".  We both almost started to cry just realizing the excitement of this moment for Griff and I.  Right away she found the heartbeat and we heard the most beautiful "womp, womp, womp, womp" sound and she timed the heartbeat at a very healthy 168 beats per minute.  Perfect!

My doctor came in and again I was just amazed at how much we were blessed that we was brought into our lives.  He is so genuinely happy for us and even told me he is already blocking off the entire month of April on his schedule so he is for sure in town. ;)  He said we have made it through all the major milestones that we had set early on and my next big milestone is 20 weeks!!!  That is such huge step for us.  I cannot even begin to describe how refreshing it is for him to come in with all good news, no talks of sending me for additional tests, viability scans, blood draws, etc.  I felt so normal for the first time in any of my pregnancies.

As for some other firsts...I have never been this sick in any of my pregnancies, but I am thankful because it means my hormones are strong and healthy.  Anything is worth it for this baby.  I bought my first maternity shirts yesterday, and will admit I am very excited to wear them.  I am sporting a definite baby bump these days that seemingly appeared overnight.  And finally, my baby brain is in full effect...I am so forgetful these days which is so unlike me.

Next week marks the end of my first trimester and I have an ultrasound next week that my doctor said we may find out the gender as it is a very high resolution scan...we'll see!  Looking forward to this next trimester and getting to experience more firsts.  I may be one of the few, but I absolutely love being pregnant and I am so grateful and feel so blessed that this is progressing so perfectly this time.  God is so good to us and we are so thankful!

 

~...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion...~

Philippians 1:6

 

 

Baby Love

I am the first person to admit that every time I would see a new post on Facebook or find out another friend was expecting I would get a pit in my stomach and feel like I was going to cry...sometimes I did.  A lot of the times I did.  The purpose of this blog is to express feelings, faith, and our journey-sometimes joyful, a lot of the times sad.  I, of all people, want to be completely sensitive to those who have been, are, or will be in my shoes whenever writing this blog.  I want you to know that I am writing this to give all the glory to God for answering our unending prayers and petitions for yet another pregnancy.  This post makes me extremely vulnerable as we are still early in the pregnancy, but I have never shared the good news before we have gotten the bad, so I felt it was time.  So many people have reached out and graciously supported us and stepped up to the plate when it would have been so much easier to just not say anything at all because it was uncomfortable. 

So here is our love story with our baby so far:

August 21st was one day after what would have been Baby Tran #1's first birthday.  As I wrote in a previous blog, that weekend was one of the hardest of my life.  So many would have, should have, could have beens.  I was feeling pretty low.  The next day I found out that we have been blessed with our fourth pregnancy-due on or right around my birthday!  Of course I called the doctor immediately and got an appointment for the next day.  The first thing we did was the HCG test.  I remember my doctor saying "you look really nervous, what's wrong?  Are you worried about the needle or the outcome?"  I could care less about the needle-I was scared to death of the outcome.  I had to repeat the blood test 2 days later to see if my levels were doubling as they should...something that has been our first stumbling block more than once.  On Friday I got the call at work that my levels had more than doubled and the nurse said everyone at the doctor's office were so excited to call me! :)  I broke down into uncontrollable tears in my maintenance supervisor's office and could not seem to pull myself together.  For most women, HCG is not something that is even tested early in pregnancy.  For those who have been in my shoes, you know that that number means the world. 

August 27th I went in to the doctor with horrific back pain...fearing the worst our prayers were answered when I found out it was a kidney infection and possible kidney stone.  Not that I wanted to endure that, but it was so much better than what was going through my head at the time.  A pregnancy-safe prescription and a few days later, I was good to go!  First hurdle down!

August 28th I had our first ultrasound.  The baby was measuring 5 weeks 3 days and a perfect gestastional sac and yolk sac were visible.  My doctor even said it was a slight possibility there were twins, although it was too early to know for sure.  (As it turns out it is a singleton!)  No hemorrages as I had had in the past.  Hurdle number two-huge check!

Morning sickness in full swing, poor Griff has to deal with cravings and mood swings, and I am always sleeping-check, check, and check!

September 11th was our second ultrasound and a crucial one at that.  This has been the time that we have received devasting news over and over, so I was a nervous wreck.  I have been keeping my ultrasound pictures tucked into my Bible right over Psalm 139-"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb".  Over and over yesterday verses came to mind, songs were on the radio, and there was a peace in my soul despite how nervous I was.  On my way to the appointment an old, beat-up work truck passed me on the freeway and I caught a glimpse of the most out of place bumper sticker...Psalm 139.  I smiled for the next several miles because I knew right then and there that God was telling me that everything was perfectly fine.  Got to the appointment and it was time...the moment of truth.  As soon as he started the ultrasound he said "I think you are going to be happy, I am sure am...".  And to Griff he said "you seeing what I'm seeing man?"  (My doctor is the coolest guy on the planet).  I couldn't see the screen laying down, so I had to wait and when he turned the screen the waterworks started.  Oh my did I cry!  Our baby has grown so much, is measuring right on target, and has a heartbeat of 157 beats per minute.  A milestone we have never reached was to hear the heartbeat.  I have often heard other women's ultrasounds going on in the exam rooms next to mine and heard their baby's heart, but never my own.  If that is not the most wonderful sound on the planet, I don't know what is!  Got our pictures printed out and couldn't stop staring at them.  While I finishing up Griff left the room and I have to admit I am a little giddy over what he told me when I came out.  All the nurses were hugging us and telling us how happy they were for us because they have been with us every step of the way.  They even told Griff we are their favorites...sorry...had to throw that out there.  :) A baby loss mama has a unique relationship with her OB office that is hard to explain, but God gave us those people for a very specific reason!

October 2nd-next ultrasound.

So as you can see God has directed every single step.  Every milestone has been met right on track.  New milestones are taking place.  He is beginning a good work and I have faith that He will see it to completion.  This is the beginning of a beautiful love story and I am so excited to meet this baby that He has made me wait so patiently for! 



               "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him".
                                                                      ~1 Samuel 1:27~



A Heavenly First Birthday!

Invitations, balloons, gifts, cake, and family.  That is how I pictured this weekend when I first found out I was pregnant with my first baby back in December of 2010.  August 20, 2011 was my due date for my first baby.  This weekend would have been his or her's first birthday! 

This week has been especially hard for me. I cannot seem to get my mind away from the very first ultrasound I ever had and saw our baby's heart beating so strongly.  I remember holding onto Griff's hand and smiling bigger than I had ever smiled in amazement of this beautiful and precious child that had been given to us.  I had fallen in love instantly!!!!!!!  Those ultrasound pictures are now locked away in our safe for eternal protection as they are my most precious memories of my first pregnancy.  Never did I think when I watched my baby on that screen that what was about to happen over the next 12 months would unfold as it did. 

Since then there have been a lot of days, should have been milestones, that have been hard.  But I think this weekend is one of the hardest.  I have now endured three "should have been" due dates.  Three "should have been" appointments to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  Three "should have been" lots of things.  But this is the first "should have been" first birthday.

My children have been taken to heaven as they were three babies too perfect for this earth.  And as much as I wish I were celebrating with my son or daughter today, I can't help but know that their first birthday in heaven is quite beyond my imagination, and that makes my heart happy!! :)

Happy Birthday to my baby...you are the most beloved memory of my life!

Dive Deep



Grand Turk Island is undoubtedly beautiful.  White sand beaches, clear turquoise water, refreshing trade winds.  All the makings for an amazing day at the beach.  While on our cruise, Griff and I got the amazing opportunity to power snorkel in Grand Turk.  It was our first port of call so we anxiously grabbed our sunscreen, towels, and water proof camera and disembarked the ship.  After a short drive to the beach we were greeted by stunning scenary.

I have always wanted to snorkel but I will admit I began to get a little nervous after reading several reviews that stated the baracuda are a little too friendly.  I have always been freaked out by what swims with me in the ocean and have a fairly strict rule for myself that I do not swim unless I can see my feet...that pretty much limits me to the Caribbean.  However, I decided to cross off an item from my bucket list and go for it.  We grabbed our fins, snorkel masks, life vests, and camera and headed out on the boat.  After a short ride in seemingly calm water we were told to jump in and test out the power snorkeling machines.  Now I am no Missy Franklin but I can hold my own in the water and am a fairly decent swimmer, so I chose not to inflate my life vest very much because I wanted to be able to dive under just a little to get the full experience.  So I jumped in and then the real adventure began!

That seemingly calm water that I mentioned earlier...completely different story when you are in the water.  That crystal clear turquoise water sure can get rough.  As soon as I jumped in I felt like I had never swam before.  The waves were crashing into me, filling my snorkel with sea water, and I felt like I had been swimming for days, not less than 5 minutes.  I eventually managed to find my groove with the power snorkel and even though I drank more than my fair share of sea water, I started to manuever my way through the other snorkelers and saw things that will last in my memory for a lifetime.  I swam with a baracuda literally a foot away from me.  I saw a stingray just chilling on the bottom of the ocean.  I saw unbelieveably beautiful coral reefs filled with curious colorful fish.  And most amazing of all I saw a 7,000 foot dropoff into the black abyss.  (I might as well have a seen a shark, I swam away from that cliff so fast!!!)

I took away a little lesson from this snorkeling adventure.  Perhaps what we see on the surface is not always all that is out there.  Maybe what seems beautiful on the surface is actually not what is best for us.  Could it be that we need to dive deeper and swim into the unknown sometimes to fully see what is meant for us to see?  I think so!   That turquoise water sure was beautiful on the surface and to be honest I was scared to dive into the unknown.  Little did I know that I would feel more calm and more at ease under the surface of the water swimming with the baracuda and stingray than I did on top.  Under the water the sea was completely calm and I felt like I was in a different universe.  The rough seas on top did not affect me down below.  The same is true in our everyday lives.  I think sometimes we get so caught up in what we can see and assume that is what must be best for us.  "It looks beautiful, so it must be right."   That is not always the case though.  Sometimes we need to set aside our fears, jump in, pull on our snorkel masks, and dive deep to see what we didn't even know existed. 

Hebrews 11:1-Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Life's Painful Moments That Teach Us The Most

Ever feel like the life has literally been sucked out of you?  You have given all you have and it is just never enough?  Maybe you have personal goals that you are working towards and someone makes a comment that just destroys that?  A comment is made that completely crushes your spirit?

An extremely hurtful comment was made to me yesterday that completely caught me off guard and almost instantly brought tears to my eyes.  I fought back the tears at the time but have been dwelling on this very personal comment that was directed at my appearance ever since.  After having time to think about it, I have come to realize that I have two choices.  I can stay angry about it, be bitter towards that person, and feel sorry for myself OR I can learn a lesson from this.  After having a good cry at home about it I have decided on option #2. 

Nothing good is going to come of me dwelling on this comment and getting angry at the person who said it.  Instead it is reminding me to always be mindful of your words.  Think twice before you speak.  You can never take back your words.  Believe me there have been times I wish that I could go back in time and totally change what has come out of my mouth.  Words can be so hurtful whether they are true or not.  No one can fully understand what another person may be battling in their personal life.  Knowing that so many people have hard situations they are facing and difficult lives they are leading, why would we not want to say something kind and uplifting?  That one kind comment could totally change someone's day for the better and mean more than you will ever know.

Aside from this comment that was made to me yesterday, I have been allowing myself to get very upset everytime someone asks if I have kids yet and then when I politely tell them that I do not they go on to start complaining about how I should never have kids and how kids are such a burden and so hard to deal with.  Honestly, you would not believe how often this conversation has come up with me in the last several months.   I know that these people have no idea about my situation and how I would give my left arm to have a child, but if people would just think that maybe the other person might not appreciate that comment, so much unnecessary hurt could be avoided. 

So I am learning that some of life's most painful moments can also be life's best lessons.  Harsh reminders that maybe we need to examine our own lives and see what hurt we could be causing others by not even realizing it.

 I challenge you to always think twice before you speak as your words can be the best or worst part of someone's day.

Luke 6:45-For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.