What Could Have Been

I am watching FRIENDS and thinking how much the theme song describes my life.  "So no one told you life was gonna be this way...but when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, well I'll be there for you..."

Today was my due date for Baby Tran #3.  With several friends having babies in the last few weeks, days, and in the coming days, today was hard!  I knew that it would be, but whew...tough!  Thankfully work was busy, Bachelorette hometowns were tonight :), and vacation is next week.  All things to help take the focus away from what could have been today.

It hasn't been my day, week, month, or year, but I am so thankful for all MY friends, family and especially my amazing husband who have been there for me.  I am incredibly grateful for each of you and am so lucky to have you in my life. 

Short and sweet tonight, but no less important than any other post I have written.  Baby Tran #3...we love you so much think of what you would have been like each and every day.  Your dad and I wanted and desired you more than life itself and were thankful for the very short time you were physically in our lives...you will always be in our hearts and nothing will ever change that.
Focusing today on this:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.



Blessings in Disguise

One of my favorite quotes is from Oscar Wilde. "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise".  What a perfect tagline for the last year and a half of my life.

Every single day I wonder why it was my life's plan to lose 3 children before I turned 25.  What good could possibly come of this?  What am I supposed to be learning?  Why me?  Why Griff? 

I know I have written this several times, but I really don't think I will ever really know the full purpose of these trials in this life.  But, each day I feel like I am getting closer to coming to terms with the plan drawn out for me and I am able to open my heart to what good can come of this.

For those who may not know, Griff has not worked at the Biltmore since my birthday on April 16th.  Also, after finding out I had an infection it took several rounds of medication to come back with a negative result.  Had these things been thrown at me a year or two ago, I think I would have been at my breaking point.  Today though, I am thankful for these blessings in disguise.

I truly believe that God is telling me that my body and mind are not ready to try again yet.  My heart is longing for a baby and is telling me to go for it.  My mind is being more practical and telling me to listen to the quiet whispers of the Lord telling me to slow down and be patient.  Enjoy what I have and don't always rush.  With this time Griff has had off work we have been able to spend so many weekends together and really focus on our relationship.  We were getting in such a rut of rushing off to work and being tired and grumpy when we came home that we were neglecting what was most important-spending quality time together.  Had my body healed right away from the third miscarriage and from that infection, we may have rushed into a situation that my body and mind were not ready for.

This time has given me a chance to really reflect on the last year and see how I have grown.  A year ago I couldn't bear to walk through the baby section in a store, watch any show that had babies, talk about pregnancy, the list goes on and on.  I still have my days for sure, but I feel myself healing and once again entertaining the thoughts of what it will be like when we have a child with joy rather than fear of history repeating itself yet again.


So maybe you are experiencing trial after trial, bad day after bad day, disappointment after disappointment.  Maybe, just maybe, if you look really hard and adjust your focus you will come to the same realization I have...these hard times are really just blessings in disguise...you just have to open your heart!

Thriving in the Eye of the Storm

Everyone has heard the phrase "in the eye of the storm".  I found this description online about the eye of a hurricane: "At the center of a fierce tropical storm, there is a small area where the weather is calm, the sky is clear, and the winds are just light breezes. This area is called the eye of the storm."  How perfect is this description of where I am in my life right now?!

The last year of my life has been a fierce tropical storm.  I have been battling it day in and day out.  For those who have been following my blog, you know that I have been battling depression and real, true, bonifide sadness. In my last post I mentioned that I have chosen to be happy. It is not something that has naturally come to me in the last year...I have had to really, really work for it. And it has not been easy. Each day I am coming to the realization that it is a choice to live every day with meaning and purpose.  Tonight as I sit here typing this, I feel like I have found true happiness.  And it feels so liberating.  I have found the eye of the storm!  The winds have slowed, the weather is calm, and the skies are bright! 

I read a great excerpt from my devotional yesterday, Streams in the Desert, in reference to
Psalm 138:7-"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life".  L.B. Cowman writes "Although His answer seems so long in coming and we continue to 'walk in the midst of trouble' the center of trouble is the place where He preserves us, not the place where He fails us". 

The answer I have been longing for has still not been revealed to me.  Why are my pregnancies failing?  Why has God chosen this journey for Griff and I?  Why is it not in my best interest to be a mother right now when I want it so bad?  I am continuing to walk in the midst of trouble.  BUT...more so than ever I have a peace.  Hard to explain and difficult to understand, I feel like I have been thrown a life preserver and am not longer sinking in the storm, but gently floating through it. 

God has definitely got my attention.  I know that this path was given to me for a specific reason, if only to bring me to the realization that He will never fail us.  No matter how rough the seas are, how high the waves are, or how much rain is falling, He is faithful.  He will preserve us.  He is our Sustainer.  Cling to Him and you can ride through any of life's fierce storms. 

Even though it has taken me so long to get to this point, I am thriving more than ever in the eye of this storm and there is no place I would rather be!



I Choose To Be Happy For It Is Good For My Health

I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I will admit over the last year or so I have given in to the feeling.  It used to be if someone asked "how are you" they always got the standard "Good!  How are you?".  Now...they get the real answer.  I have had some really dark days and real low points-still do.
I never used to take a day off work even if I was feeling deathly ill, now there are days I physically cannot go to work.  I never used to go a day without leaving the house, and now there have been many days I don't even leave my bed.  I used to be a jeans and cute top girl.  Unfortunately for Griff that turned into comfy pants and t-shirt.  I never took medicine on a daily basis.  Now, I am on a regiman of prescriptions, including an anti-depressant.  (Note:  Read back a few blogs if you are wondering who is this girl???...I have learned the best way to grieve is to be completely honest.  I am unashamed of my situation.  I did not do this to myself, it was the path laid out for me and I feel led to share it.)  My life has done a complete 360 since January 25, 2011 and I learn more about this journey each day.

When you are faced with multiple miscarriages, the first thing everyone asks is "have the doctors given you any answers?".  One would think after the number of doctor appointments I have had we would have every answer and complete understanding, right?  Absolutely not.  That is one of the hardest parts about this whole thing...we really have no answers.  Insurance companies will not pay for genetic testing until you have 3 recurrent miscarriages.  I have had 3.  The problem we are running into is that my second pregnancy ended so quickly after it started it was considered a chemical pregnancy and so "that doesn't count" to medical professionals.  To Griff and I that was our child, conceived out of love, and desired beyond words.  I will forever be an advocate for life begins at conception and my child's life was lost shortly thereafter.  My point is that we have had a few speculations of what may or may not have contributed to my miscarriages...genetic anomalies, poor implanation, and subchoronic hemorrages.  All just possible explanations.  Essentially I was given a clean bill of health and told that there was about a 99% chance it was genetic material that did not align properly and could not support the baby's growth. In medical terms-spontaneous abortion.  Those words are not allowed to be uttered in my house...I certainly did not abort my child.   My doctor suggested one thing that we could test for without involving insurance.  I agreed to the simple test and found out about a week later that I tested positive for a rare bacteria that could have been a contributing factor in each miscarriage.  Now, I am not taking this as gospel that I am cured and have all my answers, basically I was just beyond excited to have some sort of an answer.  As absolutely ludicrous as it may sound to be excited to find out you have a rare infection I was ecstatic.  I was put on an antibiotic I quickly dubbed my "demon pill" as it made me completely and totally sick 2x a day for a week. 

Finding out that I had this infection helped me in ways that are hard to put into words.  After months and months of crying, praying, researching, and wondering to have an answer of some sort was so refreshing.  A simple antibiotic has given me such a hope for the future.  Griff and I have been so hesistant to try again.  We have decided we will be waiting awhile to even think about trying again.  But to know that there was a medical condition that could have been causing my miscarriages is such a blessing in disguise.  Of course my next pregnancy, if I am blessed to have another, may again end in sadness.  I am fully aware of that. Today, though, I am choosing to focus solely on Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Prayers are answered everyday and I am learning that part of life is riding out the storm until you can start to see how the pieces of the puzzle are going to fall together.   So I have decided to take each day as it comes and enjoy the little things in life.  Walks with Griff after work, going to a movie, trying a new restaurant, or enjoying a sunset.  I had lunch today with a friend I have not seen since high school and left feeling so refreshed, went to Jo-Ann fabrics with my mom and picked up a few crafty items to attempt to recreate what I have seen on Pinterest, and we booked a family trip to Vegas for our birthdays!  These things may have seemed so petty to me a few years ago when my life was bliss everyday.  Once that is stripped from you and you live through such a hard time it is so good to have those feelings back and I am simply happy...something I haven't had in a really long time!

 God is faithful and just.  "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Just when I did not have the strength to keep going at this pace the Lord answered my prayers and renewed my strength!  So thankful!



While You Were Sleeping

Millions of people are asleep in their beds at this very moment dreaming.  I am dreaming too...unfortunately I am just wide awake. 

Tonight I am dreaming of my unborn children.  For anyone who has lost a child they know that some days are harder than others.  Some hold more significance than others.  Some days you just can't seem to stop thinking about your child.  Tonight I was laying in bed unable to sleep because thoughts of where I "should" be in my life were overtaking my mind.  If someone had told me a few years back I would have a public blog about my pregnancy losses and trials, I would have said they were dreaming.  A)  The thought never crossed my naive mind that this is the road I would traveling at this point in my life.  B)  I never would have imagined I would share something so incredibly personal with the world wide web.  But here I sit tonight writing my every thought about my shattered dreams.

I was dreaming tonight about the day I would have found out if we were having a boy or a girl, the day I would go into labor, the day I would hold my child for the first time, the days of laughing at their every move, changing diapers, 2am feedings (obviously this won't be a problem as I am awake now anyway), telling Griff not to forget the diaper bag, pulling the stroller out of the back of the SUV, and pictures...oh the pictures.  Had everything gone my way the first time, I should have a 7 month old sleeping in the next room right now.  The second time-I should be 7 months pregnant.  And the third...well I should be about 20 weeks and feeling the baby kick inside me. 

Instead...I sit here contemplating canceling my dr. appointment tomorrow as I am feeling terribly embarrassed about walking through those doors again...seriously...40+ appointments in a year and a few months...borderline ridiculous.  I am also dreaming tonight of health.  I have been struggling with my health for several months.  Maybe on the outside it doesn't appear as though anything is wrong, but on the inside I am hurting, tired, and just plain worn out.  Medication after medication, diagnosis after diagnosis, test after test, bloodwork after bloodwork, and most awful of all...ultrasound after extruiciating ultrasound.  I can't bear to see the inside of my empty uterus too many more times.  I just have to keep telling myself that I am not ready to try again and God knows this...He is protecting and saving us from more hurt.  And teaching us some patience along the way. :) 

Finally, tonight I am dreaming of what my children are doing right this instant.  If I am certain of anything in this uncertain world, it is this, that my three children are in such a far better place than here on this earth.  As painful as that is to type, I know that they are healthy, strong, and happy in heaven with their Maker.  I was given them for just a glimpse of time, but they are where they were made to be for eternity.  They are perfect. 

And that is what I will be dreaming about tonight.

Deserts, Detours, and Desires

If I had a nickel for everytime I have said or thought "it's just not fair" in the last year, I would be an absolute millionaire... living on a beach in Bora Bora.  But instead I am still just enjoying Gilbert. :)
And even as I literally live in the Sonoran Desert, I feel like my soul is stuck in a vast desert with an oasis on the horizon that is just a cruel mirage once I get closer.

 I have been taught since I was a young child not to be jealous of others.  Be happy for others.  Don't covet.  Don't be envious.  Don't treat others poorly because they have something you want and don't have.  I will tell you I have never in my life struggled with jealousy and envy so much as I have in the last year.

 I WANT A CHILD.  I DESIRE A CHILD.  I LONG FOR A CHILD.  The thought consumes my every waking moment.  Every time I see a mother with her child I picture what our lives would look like with a little one in the backseat.  How would I feel when he or she takes their first step, says their first word, has their first date, graduates high school.  And goodness knows this poor child does not stand a chance against a camera...their every move will be caught on tape! ;)  But, for Griff and I wanting a child is very different than having a child-it has become our mirage.  Three times we have had that hope.  That feeling of this is really happening.  This is within our reach.  That hope has been dashed three times. 

With our third loss so fresh in our minds and the hurt still so painful in our hearts I will admit that I have become an extremely jealous person.  Why is she pregnant and wasn't trying?  Why do they have 4 kids and I have none?  Why is my pregnancy the only one that hasn't gone full-term?  Why does someone who wants nothing more in the world than to have a child have to go through this not once, twice, but three times?  I'm jealous-plain and simple.  And everytime I have those thoughts I catch myself.  It hurts my heart each time I think those awful thoughts.  Who am I becoming?  I think most people would agree that it is human nature.  I am not envious of someone's new car, new house, or clothes.  I am just longing for a baby.  Is that so much to ask for?  The answer is YES.  I have been convicted time and time again that just because it may be human nature to have these feelings, it does not make it right.  No one ever said that just because you want something you will get it.  No one ever said the road wouldn't be bumpy and full of detours.  I feel like I am on my way to a tropical paradise for vacation, but I just keep getting bumped from my flight and have layover after layover and can't seem to make progress.  One step ahead, 30 steps back.

But true to His word, the Lord will not take us where He cannot sustain us.  I was given a gentle reminder tonight.  Galatians 6:4-"Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else". 

I do not need to compare myself to others and their current status or situation.  There is a very real reason that Griff and I have experienced what we have.  I don't know what that reason is yet.  What I do know is that I have learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever imagined, I need other people and their encouragement-I can't do things all on my own, and it has been laid on my heart to reach out to others who have gone through or will go through what I have.  I am not sure in what capacity yet, but that is something that has been tugging at my heart for some time now.  So already, I know that I am learning from this.  No matter what you may be struggling with today, know that there is a reason.  This too shall pass and you will hopefully be able to look back and realize you are a better person for riding out life's storm. 

I am choosing today to stop comparing myself to others, embrace what I do have in my life, look forward to the future with hope and joy, and enjoy the scenery along this detour we are on!!! 



Since When Did I Become An Open Book?!

I have always been a very private person.  I was never that girl to have sleepovers and expose my inner most thoughts, latest crush, or new obsession.  If I attended a sleepover, which I tried to avoid at all costs, I would sit quietly by and listen, but never share my opinions and thoughts.  Maybe it was lack of confidence, maybe it was shyness, but whatever it was I was quiet. 

This last year has turned my life upside down, right-side up, and then upside down again.  In the midst of all this, I have decided that my experiences, thoughts, emotions, and feelings may be worth sharing.  And so this blog was born. 

In light of me finally becoming confident and bold enough to share my inner most thoughts and deepest emotions and feelings, I have faced a lot of insecurities at the same time.  People become very uncomfortable talking about pregnancy loss and miscarriage.  Unfortunately my life has been encompassed with that this year and so I am no longer afraid to speak out and share my thoughts.

I think one of the hardest parts of this year for me has been feeling as though I need to be ashamed and embarrassed about what has happenned.  Society treats miscarriage as such a taboo subject that it is hard to break through that barrier.  A year ago I never would have been comfortable talking about my life in the way I do now.  I suppose 30+ trips (I peeked at my chart and appointment history) to the OB/GYN in less than one year will do that to a person. :) 

A year later, and currently going through my third miscarriage, I am an open book.  I think it has been so healthy for me to discuss my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  I cannot always pretend that everything is going great and wonderful...there are days when someone asks "How are you" that they get the real answer.  So beware if you bump into me out and about...maybe skip that question!!! ;)  But I am learning that it is ok to be honest with yourself and others.  Why else were we given the friends we were given if we cannot share with them during our best times and our worst times.

I am so thankful for my closest friends and family, as well as complete strangers who have found this blog.  They have been such an encouragement to myself and Griff.  Sometimes there are no words that will make any difference.  I have heard them all..."you're time will come", "you're young", "someday you will have your family", etc.  Truth is...no one knows that.  No one can say with any certainty what my future holds.  The Lord alone holds this is His hands.  And so sometimes it is just knowing that your friends are lifting you up in prayer, calling to see how you are doing, and when they say they are thinking of you...they truly mean it.  I appreciate each and every one of you who has loved me when I am most unloveable.  When you put aside your busy lives and schedules to just listen to me.  To let me do all the talking and maybe even make you a little uncomfortable.  Those times will never be forgotten. 

As much as I never used to be one to share many of my thoughts, I used to think it so unoriginal when people would post song lyrics and say this is what I am feeling.  Totally different thoughts about this now.  The Lord has been speaking to me through so many songs recently as I am running out of words to say and prayers to pray.   I feel like I have exhausted all my options and still come up with the same results...broken and defeated.  But, this to shall pass and I will hopefully one day be shown the reason for all our suffering and tears.  So here is the song I can so closely identify with right now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugD0i5Y3cw8&ob=av2n