And even as I literally live in the Sonoran Desert, I feel like my soul is stuck in a vast desert with an oasis on the horizon that is just a cruel mirage once I get closer.
I have been taught since I was a young child not to be jealous of others. Be happy for others. Don't covet. Don't be envious. Don't treat others poorly because they have something you want and don't have. I will tell you I have never in my life struggled with jealousy and envy so much as I have in the last year.
I WANT A CHILD. I DESIRE A CHILD. I LONG FOR A CHILD. The thought consumes my every waking moment. Every time I see a mother with her child I picture what our lives would look like with a little one in the backseat. How would I feel when he or she takes their first step, says their first word, has their first date, graduates high school. And goodness knows this poor child does not stand a chance against a camera...their every move will be caught on tape! ;) But, for Griff and I wanting a child is very different than having a child-it has become our mirage. Three times we have had that hope. That feeling of this is really happening. This is within our reach. That hope has been dashed three times.
With our third loss so fresh in our minds and the hurt still so painful in our hearts I will admit that I have become an extremely jealous person. Why is she pregnant and wasn't trying? Why do they have 4 kids and I have none? Why is my pregnancy the only one that hasn't gone full-term? Why does someone who wants nothing more in the world than to have a child have to go through this not once, twice, but three times? I'm jealous-plain and simple. And everytime I have those thoughts I catch myself. It hurts my heart each time I think those awful thoughts. Who am I becoming? I think most people would agree that it is human nature. I am not envious of someone's new car, new house, or clothes. I am just longing for a baby. Is that so much to ask for? The answer is YES. I have been convicted time and time again that just because it may be human nature to have these feelings, it does not make it right. No one ever said that just because you want something you will get it. No one ever said the road wouldn't be bumpy and full of detours. I feel like I am on my way to a tropical paradise for vacation, but I just keep getting bumped from my flight and have layover after layover and can't seem to make progress. One step ahead, 30 steps back.
But true to His word, the Lord will not take us where He cannot sustain us. I was given a gentle reminder tonight. Galatians 6:4-"Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else".
I do not need to compare myself to others and their current status or situation. There is a very real reason that Griff and I have experienced what we have. I don't know what that reason is yet. What I do know is that I have learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever imagined, I need other people and their encouragement-I can't do things all on my own, and it has been laid on my heart to reach out to others who have gone through or will go through what I have. I am not sure in what capacity yet, but that is something that has been tugging at my heart for some time now. So already, I know that I am learning from this. No matter what you may be struggling with today, know that there is a reason. This too shall pass and you will hopefully be able to look back and realize you are a better person for riding out life's storm.
I am choosing today to stop comparing myself to others, embrace what I do have in my life, look forward to the future with hope and joy, and enjoy the scenery along this detour we are on!!!
